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August 30 Be back soonI'm leaving Thursday night or Friday morning.... depends on circumstances Will miss you... I'm leaving behind some jokes.... if you read one entry every 4 days or so, it might seem like I haven't gone anywhere and you won't have to miss me  otherwise, go ahead and look back at some of the old stuff.... we've come a long way, baby love and hugs to y'all!!! Kim Jokes, jokes.... laugh, dammit*PEST CONTROL* A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked "I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little devils". A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old,can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow THE STUTTERING CAT A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard ! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him !" Keep yourself occupied in my absenceThe union man A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. (file:///c:/EudoraMail/Embedded/ATT000131.gif) (file:///c:/EudoraMail/Embedded/ATT000131.gif) "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." "I Miss Bill Clinton" It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV. there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes." ---ya gotta love it. An honest mortician... A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. " There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I switched the heads." For Perv*rts*THE RANGE OF EIGHT INCHES LONG. *THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. *IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSLEY FOR INSTANT ACTION. *IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND A SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. *IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. *ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. *WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. *AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. **WHAT AM I??????? AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN... * * * * * * * * * * * * * TOOTHBRUSH.... What were you thinking You PERVERT ???!! August 29 Welcome to my world...Things change, plans are plans only until they're put into action. Everything happens for a reason, when it's supposed to. Seize the day, take advantage of every good opportunity. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. This may be the last entry for awhile, or it might not. The thing is, if days go by without me posting anything, fear not. I've probably found paradise earlier than expected and am rolling around in unexpected happiness. Or I've been sucked up into the Mother Ship and have become a sex experiment for aliens from another galaxy. Perhaps both, lol. I have reached my limit of what I can and will accept. I sit here and wonder to myself: why am I putting up with bullshit when I no longer have to? A day's drive away is a man who loves me completely unconditionally, as I do him; in whose company I feel like the most important person in the world. I don't need to listen to whining and complaining and bitching and moaning and woe is me. I don't have to listen to insults, both intended and very barely disguised as "teasing". I just don't need to take it anymore. There's one other person to take into consideration in the equation, but he knows the difficulties involved and I don't see a major problem there. He also loves me unconditionally, as I do him. So I've made a list of 'must take items'. The actual move will be on the same day as planned, but the leaving just might be a week early. I'll know for sure within 48 hours - or less. If I don't get the opportunity to post again for a few days, weeks, however long it takes, just check Bryan's place, he'll have an update available. And I'll probably be working on the next installment of The Adventures of Kim and Bryan, lol.
August 28 mish-mash-mosh-washThe title means nothing, except that this is probably going to be another one of those by-my-pants entries. You know, where I just write whatever pops into my head. Yeah, that could be a scary ride... or it could be as lame and tame as the merry-go-round at a kiddie carnival. It's a chance you take when you stop in. The summer is nearly over. Even officially.. next month is the onset of autumn. I've been waiting three seemingly long months for the summer to end. Even before we had plans set in motion, before we even met in person, we were shooting for a move around Labor Day. I knew I just had to get thru the summer and this nightmare existence would come to an end. Less than two weeks now and I'm out of here and on to a much better life. However, it seems like it's been yet another wasted summer. Why do I feel that way every September? Seriously. It's just stupid. Yet every fall it's the same feeling.. that I didn't do enough when the sun was out and the days were long. Or maybe it's just knowing that the onset of fall means that winter will be rearing it's ugly head much too soon. And my buddy, the sun, will be almost nothing more than a ghost of a memory. Anyway, despite the fact I really wanted this summer to pass quickly, it feels like it passed in the blink of an eye and I missed it. Okay, I know I didn't miss it... I've been outside enjoying as much of it as I could. Hell, I even had a life-changing event this summer. Guess I'm just being wistful. With fall comes the start of another school year, too. Which is the only reason I'm staying past Labor Day. I want to be here for the first couple days of school. And this comes with mixed emotions as well. I won't miss the complaints about how hard this or that class is; the bitching about all the homework; the whining about how this or that teacher 'hates me'. Sometimes I think I'll miss hanging out with him in the evening, listening to how his day went, what's going on in his life...but I'll still be able to do that, except it will be either on the phone or the internet. Again, thankfully all 'in-network' calls are free, lol. So I've basically reconciled myself with the absence. It's just... well, it's not the same. Little in life ever is; things change; we adjust. Any how, since it's past midnight as I write this, that means it's the 28th. Counting today, it's ten days until Bryan drives up, eleven days til I leave. It was damn close to being zero days, lol. I almost packed up and took off this afternoon. Again, must reiterate.... knowing we are <this> close to having our place, it's not easy putting up with the bullshit I put up with. The move very easily could take place this week. Do you know (well, of course you don't know, dah) the ass hole actually yelled at me because me and the boy went to his dad's house and his dad took us out to Taco Bell? I was accused of kissing his dad's ass! Like I have no right to visit my father-in-law at his invite! Then, of course, there was also the fact that when I mentioned that Ernesto had been upgraded to a hurricane (back to a tropical storm as I write this, thankfully) and that it was expected to hit Florida this week, his reply was a very snotty "So?". For those not in the know, my parents live in Florida. It's definitely not a "So?" situation in my eyes! And the sociopath had the nerve to tell me "things are going to change around here real soon". Pfft... really??? Ya think? I replied, "Ya got that right!" Packing is going as well as it can without being too obvious. I've run out of boxes, lol... so it's come to a temporary halt, too. And I'm still waiting for some volunteers... so far only one. Love you Judy, and thanks in advance. I'm talking to Bryan on the phone right now, and again I'm reminded of something I've told him.... I think people who are around us together might decide that the next time they want to see us it should be one or the other.. not many people are going to be able to tolerate both of us together in the same room. More than once. Maybe twice. We are two very sarcastic smart-assed dorkheads who play off each other like Hope and Crosby, except without the straight man... because that's my part and I just can't keep a straight face, lol. August 25 Painted Ladies
August 23 Wowzie....Two weeks from today Bryan will be heading up this way to come get me. Two weeks! That means that in two weeks and one day I'll be out of here. Wow. Wasn't it just yesterday we were merely fantasizing about meeting one day in the distant future? Then we decided that yeah, it could happen. And we fantasized about living together. But, we hadn't met yet so it was just talk. All talk. Until it got close to the time we actually met. Then the fantasy started to take on a real life. Then we met, and y'all know the rest of the story. Some people think it's going too fast. Some people think we're jumping from the pan into the fire. We've heard it all. Understandably, this is all from people who know us and it's all said in what others see as our best interest. As I've said before, Bryan and I are talkers. Over four thousand minutes racked up in one month on the phone? Yep. Thankfully, all free. *Whew!* We don't just talk about the weather... or sex, lol. We have discussed - and talked - and discussed some more - any and all motives and reasons for being together... and for waiting. We've asked each other, and ourselves, the tough questions. We have been more honest with each other than we've been with anyone else at any time in our lives. We know what we have to look forward to, especially in the coming year. Alot of bumps, roadblocks, twists, turns, and probably more than a couple surprises. Not necessarily good ones, either. However, we'll have each other for support, love, guidance. For instance, the holiday season will most likely be really tough, but I still think this year is going to be better for us together than last year was for either of us. The whole point of me writing this, and there really is a point, is that despite our confidence in the fact we're doing the right thing, I'm scared shitless. About the move? Hell no. About spending the rest of my life with Bryan? Absolutely not. About any pitfalls we're facing in the future? Bring 'em on, we're ready. Nope, that's not what has me scared. If you read Bry's post for Tuesday, about his car burning up (and the Cutlass is an Oldsmobile, sweetheart, and it is important, lol!), at the very bottom he wrote about his belief that if he's too happy, something will happen to either chase that happiness away or dampen it with something else that's bad. I'm not quite that superstitious, but still... the fact remains that there are fifteen days between now and the day I leave, and any of a host of things could happen. That's what has me scared shitless. I know, I know... it's probably being silly, but I can't help it. I think of all the things that could go wrong, that could keep us from being together. Accidents, death, major illness... not even necessarily to either of us, but to someone we care about. And holy shit... what if the freakin' world gets blown to smithereens before then???? What if an alien mother ship sucks one of us up? Huh? Then what??? It could happen! Of course, my biggest fear is that Mr Wonderful won't go to work that day. Now, that would be the shit! Can't hardly sneak away if he's here watching. It would just ruin the surprise, dammit. August 21 Well, what d'ya know?Search Results1 - 10 of about 44 for toots61.space - 0.60 sec. (About this page) WEB RESULTSwhile checking stats today, I noticed that someone had found me thru a Yahoo search. You'll notice that they were searching specifically for my space. Interesting that the other spaces showed up in the top nine, too, don't ya think? Just thought y'all should be aware: you are tied to me in cyberspace, like it or not, lol! oh.. and guess what? Bryan picked up the lease today! Yay! We're totally excited! we have an address now!!! woo hoo!!! seventeen days!!!!! August 20 No teary goodbye'sEighteen Days!!
Yay! The whole bitch of it is that knowing the exact date, that there will be a place for us in eleven days, just makes it a little more unbearable staying here. If I hadn't made a promise to my kid that I'm trying real hard to keep, I'd probably pack up as much in my truck as I can and I'd be gone already.
We had his kids this weekend, despite the fact it wasn't 'our' weekend. They switched out. Mr Wonderful, supposedly, is on twelve hour work days until further notice, but he was home after 4 yesterday, which was okay since, you know, his kids were here to see him. However, that's not the point I was trying to make. The point I'm trying to make is that this marked the last weekend I'll have with them. Only they didn't know it. And would it have made a difference?
I let my kid make the drive to pick them up Friday. Four different freeways.. lots of lane changes to switch from one freeway to the next. At rush hour. I drove back to the house, lol. Wow! Yeah, he needs lots more practice driving. But that's not what I want to write about. I know, imagine that... me jumping all over the place in a post!
So, I'm sitting in the passenger seat of the truck (and I never really know if I should refer to it as a truck or a car, since it's a little of both, lol). I'm a nervous wreck, trying to be as calm as I can, but not as calm as I should have at least tried to be, when my phone rings. It's Mr W's son wanting to know if I'm almost there. Not even close! So I tell him, no. His reply was a rather snotty sounding ".... because....???" To which I replied in a less than pleasant tone, "Because there's traffic!" Duh. Thirteen years old and he acts like he's five, I swear. No exageration. So, when we finally get off the last freeway and are about to make the turn that takes us to the road they live off, I call him back and tell him we'll be there in about five minutes. His reply? "WE???" "Yes! We!"
Pull up in front of their trailer, me and the kid switch places, his kids walk out. Not a word from either of them. No hello, nothing. Not a surprise. This is the greeting I always get from them whenever I go pick them up. If anything, the only words I hear are "Whats for dinner?"; otherwise it's silent the whole hour back to the house.
Friday night my kid asked if he could have a friend spend the night. I agreed. His kid asked if his friend could spend the night, I said no. I'd already agreed to having an extra kid. When Mr Wonderful found out... because his kid tod him.... I was accused of showing favortism. Which led to a whole big thing wherein I told him I was tired of him telling his kids I don't like them; his reply was "the truth hurt?". My feelings toward his kids has always been based more on the way he lets them treat me than on the kids themselves, if the truth be known. It's based on the fact that our lives have always been turned topsy turvey whenever they're here, that the only time he's made time for 'family time' is when his kids are here; that things we don't usually keep in the house are in the house when his kids are here.... there are several factors involved, which I'll elaborate more on at a later time... maybe tomorrow, lol. The point here is that it's never been that I don't like his kids. They're kids.. I like them about as much as I like most kids.
Okay, so getting back on track... this weekend being the last weekend I see them.
The girl went to her boyfriends' house yesterday. She left when Mr Wonderful left for work, got home again around 11-ish. So I didn't see her yesterday for more than maybe five minutes until much later that evening. And because I thought his boy was at the neighbors, I spent alot of the afternoon in my room sorting thru photographs, visiting with my kid (who was using my computer and looking at his baby pictures), and talking with Bryan on the phone. Turns out his boy wasn't at the neighbors .. he was downstairs in his room.. and I'd left my bedroom door open, talking in a normal tone of voice about things maybe it wouldn't have been prudent for the tattle tale to hear just yet. Luckily, as far as I can tell, he didn't hear anything.
Mr Wonderful came home after 4 hours. Cut to the chase... we went to rent some movies. The girl came home not long after the first movie began, but she immediately called this other boy she likes more than she likes her boyfriend and was alternately in the house and sitting outside, until I put the second movie in. Mr Wonderful went to the kitchen. The boy and the girl decided to start talking as soon as the movie began (they were quiet during the stupid previews)... so I started the movie again. They talked, so I started the movie yet again... then again, but this time I hit 'pause'. Mr Wonderful is still in the kitchen. I looked at the boy and said "You done talking yet?" He could tell by the tone in my voice I wasn't pissed, was just messing with him and waiting for him to get all his talking out of his system, the girl knew, too. So the three of us are in this whole thing that sounds like we're bitching, but we're smiling, so it's cool. Mr Wonderful makes some remark about telling the mouths in the basement to be quiet, too, since he can hear them as well. And he was serious. I told him to get over it. Then he said something that was totally unrelated. Me and his kids looked at each other, quizzically, like.. what? His son let him know that what he said had no relevance to what we were talking about. Anyway, he came back to the living room and sat down. Me and his kids were still messing around, play bitching... somehow for some reason that escapes me right now, I looked at the girl and referred to as a 'smartass', then looked at his boy and referred to him as a 'dumbass'... Mr Wonderful was going to say something so I looked at him and said "And you're just a dick." I could tell by the look in his eyes, for about 2 seconds, that he wanted to seriously bitch about that remark... but his kids started laughing so he let it slide and we watched the movie.
This morning I wake up and I hear him bitching at his kids. Five minutes later, I get up and they're gone. He'd taken them to their grandmothers house for some shindig thing that was going on there. No good-bye, no hug, nothing for me. The thing is, because I know it was the last time I'd spend time with them, I would have liked at least a hug. But, this is the way it' always been.... I've been nothing to them except the woman their dad married... unless I was doing something just for them or buying them something. Why should today have been any different?
When Mr Wonderful got back from dropping them off he said this to me "Well, you won't have to deal with my kids for a month. Bet you're happy."
I feel a little sad, actually, you dickhead. August 17 A Blast From The PastI decided this morning to look thru the archives and see what I was writing about a year ago, where my mindset was, what was going on. I happened upon this piece, which seems not only highly appropriate, but somehow prophetic. With the exception of a couple things, this is who I have found.
My apologies to everyone who has been around since way back then... but hey, it is summer,lol..re-run season.
My Perfect Man
Who is he, this perfect man? First off, he's comfortable in his own skin. He knows who and what he is, has nothing to prove, and has accepted that everyone has faults, even himself. He has friends, both male and female, and he likes to hang out Friday night with the guys, having a couple beers and shooting pool; fishing on Sunday mornings. He has a decent job that pays the bills and the little extras. He's not abusive in any way, because he knows that abuse is just a cry for power and control... he doesn't need that in his life to be cool with who he is.
He doesn't necessarily want to re-marry, but he wants that special someone in his life... to know that when the nights are cold, there's a loving body in bed with him. He knows how to treat a woman... specifically, me. When to pull me in, when to let loose and give me some room to breathe, and when to say: It's okay, you don't have to be strong today, lean on me.
He totally 'gets' me. He understands my humor and accepts my intelligence. He will argue with me if he disagrees with something I've said or done, sticking only to the point of argument... no veering off the subject. He's not afraid to tell me I'm full of shit if that's the case... and he can tell me I am without it being an insult. He knows I don't have to agree with everything he says, that I'm entitled to my own opinion without it meaning that his opinion is wrong. He knows that there are times I feel vulnerable and insecure, and it doesn't piss him off and he doesn't take it personally.
He loves music. He likes to dance even if he doesn't dance well. He drinks, but doesn't get drunk (too often, anyway). He's smart and enjoys most of the same things as me, but has enough other interests to make it fun. He's someone I can sit down and talk to about absolutely anything any time because no matter how busy he is, he's never too busy for me.
He doesn't need me to validate him, but he thinks I'm the greatest thing to happen in his life. And what else would make him perfect? That I knew my life woudln't be the same without him.
That man I've just described, in my eyes, is the most sexy man alive. What does he look like? I have no idea. All I know is that I hope I meet him someday. August 15 the story continues... ah, sweet, glorious day! The first voice I heard of the day was that of my sunshine, my love, my man, my... you get the point, lol... Bryan. For those of you who may not know who he is, check out oldestgenxer. My hero. And hero he is, to be sure.
Later this afternoon I get a text message on my phone. "Got the apt. Told them the first. Love you" I just looked at it for a few seconds thinking... no way! Then, of course, I had to call him to make sure I had, in fact, read it correctly. Woo Hoo! We have a place to live when I move down there!! Naturally, I did a 'happy dance' as soon as I hung up, just two minutes later.
So, another hurdle crossed. Yay!
Y'all just don't realize what a relief this is to both of us. Seriously. When all your plans are in limbo, it ain't fun. Now we have a place to call home. And a date for moving me.
I wish it was a date for moving me and the boy, but the boy has opted to stay here. After much deliberation, and a few tears, and a not very pleasant evening a few weeks back, we've reached a decision. The boy and I. He can remain here, stay in the same school, be near his friends, his girlfriend... but he has to come stay with Bryan and I at every school break. There's one hitch to this.... we, um, haven't broke the news to Mr Wonderful yet. Not that he'll have any objections to it, I was just hoping to have a clean 'forever' break from him. Yes, yes,yes... I know all the objections each and every one of you might have to this plan, but it's the best solution we could come to, where almost everyone is happy (Mr Wonderful will not be happy about me leaving, but so be it).
There's still a couple loose ends I have to tie up around here. I'll make it happen, though. One of the great things about having a man in your life who's smarter than you (yes, Bry, I admit it!) is that what you don't think of, he might.
So, if any of y'all in southeast Michigan wants to lend a hand in getting my shit loaded to leave, will happily accept all help. And the next morning, if any of y'all in the northwest St Louis metro area want to lend a hand in unloading and helping move my shit in, will happily accept all help then as well. Hey, it can't hurt to ask, lol. Just let me know and I'll give you dates and directions.
~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
I know I wrote our story like a modern day fairy tale, but I think it's important for y'all to know that it wasn't ever smooth sailing. Nothing about it has been easy. Between fighting against our morals, battling the demons that sat on our shoulders, and just the fact that there's 600 miles between us, it's been a bumpy ride. I wouldn't trade one second of it though... not even the tears.
The thing is, we both realize that it's not going to be smooth sailing ahead of us, either. Thankfully, at the core of our relationship is a strong friendship. We actually like each other! The one lesson I've learned in all my years is that you can love someone but not like them, and love on it's own is never enough. So I'm not concerned either one of us is going to want to bail out at any time, no matter how rough the waters get. It's almost like we're each other's life jacket. Corny, I know, but it's what I've become.
We've discussed, at length sometimes, our expectations, what we see as things that could be problems, but the big thing we both know is going to be the weirdest thing to deal with is being with someone we actually want to be around. We've both become so accustomed to doing whatever it takes to avoid the person we live with, that it's going to be almost strange to be with someone who doesn't piss us off, lol. But, I think we'll do okay adjusting to it. Really!
I also want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have been so very supportive. You have no idea what this means to me, to both of us. We both knew we were taking a huge risk putting our life out here for everyone to read, to be in on, to be part of. There was the chance that perhaps some people we considered 'friend' would be offended, put off, judgemental. And it's so very nice that that hasn't been the case, because even if you don't agree with any of it, you've been nice enough to not be mean about it.
Stay tuned.... more to follow at a later date.
August 14 People are like animals:Let me show you what I mean, using only domesticated and farm animals. Starting with the most common household pets: Dogs: dogs are loyal. They love you unconditionally, no questions asked. You can tell a dog every single solitary secret you have and they won’t tell a soul. They listen to everything you say, and you’re sure they’re understanding it all. They just have that look on their face. Even if you yell at a dog, they’re still going to love you, and five minutes after you’ve yelled, they’ve already forgotten it. They don’t hold grudges. Cats: contrary to popular belief, cats are not sneaky sly animals. Cats just don’t care. They aren’t snobs. They just really do not care. You’ve got a problem… well, too bad for you, so do they! And their problems are just more important than yours. It isn’t that they don’t love you. They do, in their own way. But they don’t have time to listen to your drivel, they have their own agenda. Rodents: mice, rats, gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs… skittish little things. They’re all afraid of their own shadows. They don’t mean anything when they bite, it’s just that they have to get their bite in before you get yours. It’s the typical ‘I hurt you before you can hurt me’ syndrome. They can love you, but only after extreme trust has been established, and even then it’s fragile and can be dissolved without you even being aware of what you’ve done. They want love and attention, but they’re quite okay on their own. Cows: they appear lazy and uninterested, but it’s only because they have resigned themselves to the fact that you’re only going to eat them when all is said and done. They know their purpose in the overall scheme of things and have decided it’s best to not even attempt to make an effort beyond what is absolutely needed. Pigs: they want to be more than a link on the food chain even though they know, like cows, that in the end they’re nothing but ‘the other white meat’. So they at least make an attempt to be more, however futile it might be. Fowl: chickens, turkeys, etc… noise makers. Fighters. They know they have a place in the food chain but they’re going to fight it as much as they can. And you’re going to hear about it. Horses: the true snob of the domesticated circle of animals. They have more attitude than any animal should. A horse literally looks down it’s nose at you. It’s bigger than you, better than you, and could crush you if it wanted. The horse is positive of this, and isn’t one bit afraid to let you know. Most will allow you to believe you’ve trained them, but the truth is, they’ve trained YOU. They are very aware of this. Now, you can agree with me, disagree, whatever. But I’ll bet you could describe every person you know the same way, as one of these animals. Can’t you? And do you know which one you are? August 10 Just because it's time for a change of subject....I was tagged and didn't realize it till today, some days later... oops, sorry Kat. I gots to get around more often, lol. So, here it goes:
5 things in my freezer
stick margarine
lots of pork
hamburger patties
bag o' chocolate chips
bag o' walnuts
5 things in my purse
wallet
nail file
chapstick
ink pen
blue tooth headset
5 things in my closet (which probably don’t belong there, but that’s where it’s been thrown) LOL
box o' Christmas wrapping paper
Dremel tool set (two years old, never used)
cordless drill
box o' printer paper
box o' cereal
5 things on my desk
computer monitor
cable modem
digital camera
prescription pills
coffee mug w/writing utensils
5 people I’ve tagged to play along:
Bryan (who asked to be tagged, this should be good, lol)
Susan
Rita (excused)
Judy
Edie
*anyone else who wants to do this, go ahead... and if you don't want to, no biggie*
August 08 Part FourThe next three days Early Monday morning, I think, I cried. Not hard. Just a few tears. And I tried real hard not to let him know. He noticed. He asked what was wrong. I think I just kind of shook my head and told him that sometimes I was just overwhelmed by how much I love him. And that’s the truth. But what I didn’t tell him, then anyhow, was that I was thinking that this was all I was getting, these few days together. And then he’d go back to his wife. We crawl out of bed later that morning. We need supplies, lol. He needs contact solution and I need my Diet Coke! I watch him shave. That led to a delay in leaving. But.. Finally, we make it out of the room and into the real world. I gave him a taste of my driving. He was okay with it. I later found out why, lol. So, we get to the CVS, buy a few things. We stop and get lunch. Then it’s right back to our room. Where we stayed until we got hungry again and went back to… yep, you guessed it… Denny’s. It was maybe much later that night/ very very early Tuesday morning, I cried again. Much harder this time. Almost sobbing. He dried my tears. He didn’t ask what was wrong. He just held me and said: “when the time is right you’ll tell me what’s on your mind.” And I nodded. Again, it was the same thing: this is it- this is all I get. And I’m so glad for just this much. It’s not easy, being with the man you love, knowing he loves you, but not knowing if you can actually be together. I tried not to think about it too often. We decided that we needed to actually get out of the room for awhile. We wanted to find a park, just go hang out for awhile. It wasn’t real hot, perfect park weather. So, we walked up to the front desk to find out where the nearest one was. Then I decided I better use the bathroom before we took off. When I got to the front desk again, just a couple minutes later, the strangest thing happened. The girl working there gave me a look that seemed to say “what are YOU doing here?” She seemed disappointed that I was with Bryan. And pretty much ignored me while she handed the printed out directions for a park to him. Yeah. It’s like that. Chicks dig him. I’d already noticed that the waitresses were totally enamored of him, talking to me only because they had to. I think they would have preferred if he’d ordered for me so that they could completely ignore my presence, lol. Oh well. We walked out to my truck. I handed him the keys. And this is where I found out that my driving didn’t bother him because compared to his, I’m pretty tame. Or maybe we just drive quite a bit alike. I’ve never been the passenger while I’m driving. Hmm. Interesting concept. The park the girl directed us to turned out to be a ball park. Like for little league. Not what we were looking for. So we just drove around. And.. And we found a real park. It was small, but empty. A bonus! We just walked around, found a place to sit for awhile, talked. Played. Had fun. If you’re already a fan of his writing, then you know he can write some amazing stories. If you’re not a fan already…. Well, why not??? Okay, okay… I’m incredibly biased. Anyway… hearing him tell some of those stories is even better. Either Monday or Tuesday, we’re sitting in our room… he’s sprawled out on the bed, I’m sitting on the floor facing him…eye level. He starts to tell me some stories. About his dad, about working at Domino’s, about growing up. Really, I could sit with him and listen to him tell his stories for hours. He’s so animated! And his eyes… he has beautiful blue eyes that just sparkle when he’s interested in what he’s doing! I wish y’all could see him when he’s telling one of the stories he writes about. (you can’t touch, though… I’m kinda possessive. I have a flyswatter and I’m not afraid to use it! LOL) Then… that evening, he told me there was no way he could even consider going back to his wife. That he just loved me too much. There was more, but that was the important thing. I cried again. But this time, for the first time in days, because I was so damned happy! And then I told him why I’d cried the other times. And his eyes watered. He said: “you weren’t sure where you stood with me and you still… and we…. Omg!” After a moment I asked if it would be totally inappropriate for me to do a happy dance. He laughed at me. He does that a lot. Laughs at me. And I love him for it. Anyhow, he told me it was okay for me to do the dance. So I stood up on the bed and did another happy dance. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. The happy dance. At least in my heart. Wednesday. The last day. We had to check out at noon. But we didn’t part ways for another three or four hours. We went and had lunch. We took a drive. We stopped in a parking lot, parked in the back, and spent some quality time together. A lot of talking. We do that a lot. Talk. We’re talkers. Just before we left we each pulled up to the gas pumps at the gas station near the hotel. Then we went inside and got some snacks and soda. Used the bathroom. Talked some more. Putting off the inevitable. Then we went out to our trucks again. And we kissed. But not good-bye. And, on the drive home, I got a speeding ticket. In a work zone. In Indiana. It’s worth it. He thinks I’m hot. And beautiful. He’s insane. I love him.
August 07 Part threeOkay, here's part three, as requested. Part four will follow later in the week. Or sooner. Ya never know. You know the drill... no judging, blah blah blah right or wrong blah blah blah.. We meet at last We were on the phone with each other nearly the entire time. I managed to get a call into my best friend to let her know where I was going, what was going on, a little of the story behind it. Otherwise, my earpiece was in and his voice was in my head. Except when we lost service a couple times. I was in the country, remember?? I wrote about it, lol. After everything else that had already happened that day, I was still in a bit of shock. Physically, I knew I was on my way to meet him. Emotionally, it didn’t register. Despite the fact I was in my car, driving toward that meeting, and I was talking to him about that very meeting, it wasn’t registering. I was in total dazed and confused mode. I think a couple times we both commented on the fact it still didn’t seem like it was happening, even though we were both in our trucks headed toward the same destination. One of my biggest fears was that he’d say something to the effect of “I can’t do this.” and turn around. Or that I’d freak completely out and turn around and head back toward my private hell. But that didn’t happen. I think there might have been one point where I questioned myself. What am I doing?? Keep in mind what I’d gone through the two previous days and just a couple hours earlier. I left my house not knowing where I stood with Bryan. Was this just to see if it was real? Would he go back to his wife when he got back? Was this just going to amount to a fling? I had absolutely no idea. I only knew I loved him and if I was going to be given this chance to be with him, then I was taking it! It wasn’t until I got on I-69 at Fort Wayne that it started to feel real. But even then the thrill of finally being on a freeway again overpowered everything else. Until I was nearly to I-465 going around Indianapolis. That’s when he pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. That’s when I had to call the hotel and tell the desk clerk he definitely had permission to enter my room. The last half hour of my drive was the toughest. Knowing he was already at the hotel. Talk about anticipation! Wow! I had a boatload, that’s for sure. We’re still talking as I merge onto I-465. And still talking when I merge onto I-70. And two minutes later when I exit off the freeway toward the hotel. I remember looking over my shoulder and seeing the hotel. I think I said something like “oh, my God, baby! You’re in that building! I can see the hotel!” We continued talking until I pulled into the parking spot next to his truck. Then he turned his phone off. And left it off. I gather my things. My heart is racing and the butterflies in my stomach are doing gymnastics. This is it! Bryan is just a few feet away from me! We’re finally going to meet! I look at the Ranger parked next to my Aztek and I think to myself that’s his truck! Omg! He’s actually here!! I take my things into the hotel. I go to the desk. Give the clerk my name. She gives me a key, points me in the direction of our room, and tells me to have fun. Seriously. She told me to have fun! I walk down the hall. I have to pee. But I’m too excited to stop and use the lobby bathroom. I’m just a few steps away from meeting Bryan!!! Nothing is going to stop me. Our room is on the first floor. Near the end of the hall. It feels like the longest walk ever. But I finally get to it. I’m a nervous wreck. Me- usually calm, cool, and collected. A pile of nervous energy. The original plan was that I was supposed to wear ‘just the right’ outfit that would blow him away. I was supposed to have at least showered before leaving my house. My hair was supposed to be just so. Make up perfect. I was supposed to make a great first impression! But no… that wasn’t it at all. I left my house as soon as I could, because according to the directions I printed out, the drive was an hour longer for me than for him. So there I was. Walking toward my destiny. Grateful that I’d had some five hours for my eyes to lose that ‘just bawled’ swollen appearance. That I’d washed my hair the night before, so it wasn’t all icky yucky gross. That I had at least one decent pair of shorts and top that were clean. I was not looking my best at all, but it was the only look available on such short notice, lol. And there I am. I’m outside our room. I knock on the door. I have a key but I knock. It seems like I wait a long time, but it’s probably only 30 seconds. I’m about to take my key out and use it when the door is opened, but not all the way. Just enough for me to get a small glimpse of him in the big mirror. I gently push it forward. There he is! Standing in the entry way between the sink and the bathroom, the room behind him. He looks amazingly like the pictures he’s sent me, yet different. So much better. Because he’s there, in person. Because I’m there with him. Because we’re together in the same room. Because the look on his face is so damn amazing!! OMG! The look on his face! Blow me away! It’s like he’s so amazed and awed he can’t believe what he’s seeing. I probably had the same look on my face. I know I was smiling, and I know he was smiling. I took a step into the entry, closing the door behind me. Then I went to him, probably almost immediately, and put my arm up around his neck and shoulders. He’s quite a bit taller than me. I dropped my bags onto the floor and put both arms around him. Standing on my tippy-toes so I can reach up to him. For a couple minutes we just hugged. And stared into each others eyes. And hugged. And laughed. Then I looked up into his eyes and said: “Can I do the happy dance now?” He smiled at me and said sure. So I stepped back and did a little dance. Then I hugged him again. We held each other, probably still in awe. He unhooked the clip from my hair and fanned it out. Then we kissed. That first kiss is so very important. It sets the tone, you know. It should be memorable. Hmm. (we actually just talked about this just hours before I started writing this). Neither one of us can remember the details of it. Did it start out gentle, whispery? Was it full on passion right from the get-go? We don’t remember. But we’re pretty sure tongue was involved almost immediately, lol. Either way, it was great! Simply the best! Oh man, oh man! The man can kiss! Woo wee!! Five, ten minutes….we’re still standing in the entry way. Amazed. We’re smiling and kissing and hugging. And laughing. In total awe. I think it was then, sometime while we were standing there, he brushed my hair back, held my face in his hands and told me for the first time to my face that he loves me. I melted. Yeah, underneath it all I’m nothing but a pile of mush where he’s concerned. After the first ten minutes of being together, by the time we actually got into the ‘room’ part of our room, it no longer felt like we had just met in person for the first time. It was more like one of us had been away for a time and we were reuniting. We made our way into the room. To the bed. I think I pushed him down onto it. Then I straddled him and told him he was trapped. And he said he didn’t mind. Then he rolled me over onto my back and said something like: “why is it I’m on top and I still feel trapped?” We laughed and kissed. And kissed some more. Caressed, touched, kissed even more. We spent several hours getting to know each other. Then, much later, we decided to walk across the parking lot to get a late dinner. Real late dinner. I think we ordered breakfast, lol. Good ol’ Denny’s. We ate there often, actually. After dinner/breakfast, whatever it was, we went back to our room. We talked, we made love, we slept. I still didn’t know where I stood. But what had started out as the worst day of my life ended better than I could ever have imagined. In the arms of the man I love. August 04 *intermission*I've decided that since most everyone is busy on the weekends, I'm going to hold off posting the rest of the story. I've also elaborated a little more on the ending, so it's being split into parts 3 and 4. Part 5 is being lived right now, so I'll write about it later. You know, after it's happened, lol.
In the mean time, decided to put up some funnies. And, who knows.. I might find something to bitch about between now and Monday, too. Y'all know I can find anything to rant about, lol. I do still live with Mr Wonderful and if nothing else, he's a constant source of things to bitch about. OH!... oh.. like this: he's getting his daughter to lie for him now too. She had to go to summer school this year (again)..so they've both been telling me that she paid for it with her birthday money. Hmm. Okay, whatever. But then I happened across her mother's 360 blog and what did I read there??? An interesting sentence, actually. She wrote that Mr Wonderful wrote a check out to cover the cost of school!
I don't remember if I wrote about last years' summer school thing or not, so I'll make it short. One morning last summer I woke up at around 5am, Mr Wonderful was sneaking out of bed. I laid there, pretending to be asleep. Usually he makes all kinds of noise when he gets up, because if he's up, dammit, everyone esle is going to be up, too! But that morning he was trying to be extra special quiet. Then he left. I watched him get in MY car, drive toward the bank. He was back five minutes later, stopped out on the street, came inside for something, then left again. Was gone 2 hours. Snuck back into bed. Never knew, until much later, that I knew he'd left. Amazingly enough, it was the day his daughter needed the money for summer school. When I asked him about it, he tried to tell me he had had to run something out to his son. Yeah. Right. As the comedian says: I was born at night, but not last night!
We won't even get into the fact that that money was earmarked for my son's drivers training. That had to wait until this year.
Yeah, when I get out of here, I've got some stories for ya. So pathetic they're funny, actually.
But for now.. I've got these:
*three Italian nuns*
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and "poof" she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and "poof" she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipelini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipelini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No, sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
*TWO SCOTTISH NUNS*
*DONATION* August 03 Part TwoThis part was hard to write, hard to re-read for errors. Believe it or not, I've only skimmed the surface of how I felt. Think of the fear you might feel if someone put you into a 10x10 cage with a very hungry lion.... and your only chance of escape is a very small, very narrow ladder behind the lion, and it's covered in oil. You know it's all about to end, but you're still looking at that ladder and hoping there's a way you can escape with most of yourself intact.
Again... I need to reiterate... please, no judging. Niether one of us is saying anything we've done is right. But that doesn't make it wrong, either. It just... is.
How it nearly ended Thursday, July 20th, 2006 . I’m at home. On the computer. E mailing back and forth with Bryan while doing other things. Then I get one from him that says: “I’m fucked. Fuck. Will explain when I find the words.” I freak out. I go outside to play in the flower beds, trying to get my mind off whatever it is, fearing the worst. We’re eight days away from meeting and I’m sure it’s something that will prevent it.Later I get an e mail from him explaining that his wife wants to go to the wedding on Saturday. His nephews wedding out of town. And he’s told her he can’t think of a reason why she shouldn’t. Now he wants to know how to tell her he doesn’t want her to go. I suggest he tell her she can go, but not with him. Then I go on to explain to him that if she goes with him, she’s going to see it as a reconciliation of sorts. The power had gone out the day before. It’s still not on. He doesn’t call her. Friday, July 21st, 2006 . I talk to him at work. He hasn’t told her yet.He calls me later. He’s on his way to her house. To talk to her. He doesn’t tell me this until after he’s decided not to go over. He goes on to tell me some things I would rather have not known. The seed of doubt has been planted. He says he’s going back to his dad’s house. We talk. I’m thinking everything is gonna be okay now. I hang up feeling a little hurt and maybe a bit heartbroken that he confessed a couple things to me. I believe I was crying. And he didn’t even know it. Saturday, July 22nd, 2006. I send him maybe 4 or 5 text messages on his phone. Nothing. No reply. I knew not to call him, he was going to a wedding, afterall, and the phone didn’t need to be ringing in the middle of the ceremony. I found out later they didn’t make it to the wedding, just the reception. That’s right - they didn’t make it. I spent the entire day on the brink of tears. Okay, I shed a couple a couple times, too. Once, I broke down and sobbed. No news is not necessarily good news. I couldn’t sleep, so I stayed up most of the night watching movies.Su nday, July 23rd, 2006. This was both the worst and best day of my life. It’s morning. I’m sitting at my desk, my phone in front of me, trying to keep my mind occupied. Willing the phone to ring. Then it rings. But it’s not a phone call. It’s a text. “we need to talk. Call me.”Whenever something starts out with “we need to talk” you know it isn’t a good thing. But I called anyhow. Knowing I wouldn’t like what I heard, I called. “I’m going back to my wife. Try to work things out.” that’s all I heard. I think there was more, something about the kids. But that’s all I heard. I was stunned. Funny, I was expecting it. But like when someone you know has a terminal disease and you know they’re going to die, it’s still a shock when it happens. You still hold out hope. That was me. Holding out hope. My heart didn’t break. It shattered. Seriously. I could feel it just shatter, like safety glass. The pieces are still there, but it’s shattered just the same. For what seemed several minutes, I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t completely comprehend what had just happened. All I was aware of was that my heart had shattered. That’s all I knew. For two full minutes, while I sat here in stunned silence, I couldn’t tell you if he said anything, or if it was dead air between us. But for those two full minutes a million thoughts crossed my mind. Everything we said, all our plans, and the fact that we were five days from meeting in person. Before this happened, I had told him, and it was the truth… when I get dumped, that’s it. I don’t fight. If someone doesn’t want to be with me, then I’m not going to fight to get him back. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Bearing that in mind, I turned his words back on him. At the very top of his “American Fortune Cookies” list is this: Happiness is a clean break. And that’s what I told him just before I hung up the phone. Then I cried. I cried so hard it hurt. I sat here and just bawled. I felt like my whole life had just been pulled out from under me. I was devastated. Picture yourself and everything around you literally melting into nothing. That’s how I felt. Five minutes, maybe. Ten at the most. I reached over, picked up my phone and opened it and pushed ‘talk’ twice. I honestly do not remember what all was said. I don’t know all the words that came out of my mouth or what he said. We were both crying. That’s all I remember. And I begged. I remember that. I begged. I’m not a beggar. It’s not my style. But I begged. Somewhere in there I know I told him I couldn’t let it end like this. That I lied when I told him I don’t fight to keep a man, because he was definitely worth fighting for. I begged him to still meet me. That we had to see if it was as real as we thought. That he had to know I was more than a voice on the phone and words on the computer screen. Until we both got hold of our emotions and stopped crying, that’s all I remember. He agreed to keep our meeting. That he would hold off moving back in with his wife. I think I suggested he stay at his dad’s for the next few days, we keep our meeting, and afterwards, he go back to his dad’s. That I would cease all communication with him the following week and he should do his best to cease communication with his wife for that week, too. So he could think things through a little better. He agreed to it. Then he said: “I suppose I’ll have to explain myself at work, huh?” I had no idea what he was talking about. So he repeated what he said before that. “I’m willing to drive up there right now. I need to be with you.” Yet one more time I was in shock at what he said to me. I think I said “seriously?” Anyway, we agreed to meet half way. Indianapolis. I cancelled the reservations for Plymouth and found a hotel in Indy, made reservations there. I packed my bag. Got dressed. Brushed my hair and put on a spot of make-up. I looked like shit. Got directions, printed them out with the hotel reservation, made my good-byes here, got in my car and headed out. I was still stunned. Shocked. I think he was, too. All we knew was: it was now or never. August 01 Part OneI wasn't real sure I was going to like this new lay-out/format, but I think it might be do-able afterall. Just gonna take some gettin' used to I 'spose. Hopefully, this will be the last time they mess with us. Ya think?
Okay, I have a three part piece all written up and ready to go concerning my 'road trip'... Seems that quite a few of you have figured alot of it out already. Well, you know the who, and some of the what, but not the how or the whys. Maybe this will help.
All I ask is that you not pass judgment on me, on us, on any of it. You're entitled to your opinions, your feelings, whatever. Just understand that sometimes things happen, right or wrong, and well... well.... that's just the way it is. Period. So... with that, here it goes....
How it happened
January 3rd, 2006. That was the first correspondence. It wasn’t much. I’d read a comment he’d left on my friends blog and for some reason it caught my interest enough that I decided I needed to go check his out. I liked what I read. I left a comment. It had something to do with one of his “American Fortune Cookies”. I could go find it and copy and paste it, but it isn’t important. Except that it was the beginning. We began reading each others blogs. Leaving comments. Teasing comments. Provocative comments at times. Just for fun. I wonder if we were trying to outdo the other. To see who could push the envelope the furthest. He didn’t realize how unhappy he was in his marriage at the time, but I had long been aware of how miserable I was in mine. I was just looking for … something different. Something to make me smile. I was never out to find a man. That was not my intention. Ever. It was just fun to tease and flirt. And it was safe. Because it was the internet. And we lived over 600 miles from each other. So we could be as bad as we wanted. And we both knew it was just for fun. Nothing serious. More importantly, no one could get hurt. Then I found something I thought he would get a kick out of. So I e mailed him because it was too big to leave on a comment. He sent me a reply saying something about how he thought I wanted his e mail addy to start some kind of a tryst. I got a kick out of that. I think I sent him something flirty after that, not sure. Anyway, we started e mailing in March. Middle of March I think. Maybe 2 or 3 e mails that month. Perhaps 10-15 in April. Mostly just fun flirty stuff, again nothing serious. For my birthday he sent me a story about him and I. Our first meeting. It was set two years in the future. I read it and got goosebumps. The man knew exactly what I would say and how I would react to everything. Well, almost everything, lol. I could go find the exact words he wrote, but I won’t. The thing is, there was one part where he wrote something like: “he knew he was falling in love. Or perhaps he already had.” Anyhow, it was one of those things that just makes ya sigh. And feel all giddy inside. Because I knew, even if he wasn’t aware of it yet, that he really was falling in love with me…that he had stronger feelings for me than he was willing to admit to. He would write me these little one or two line e mails that made me melt. And I’d write back, yelling at him for doing that…. For making me feel all mushy and melty. Didn’t he realize I was trying real hard to be a hard ass, to be a bitch, to be tough? And then he’d write something that tore away at the shell I was trying to build around my heart. Until finally he succeeded. The barrier was down before I had a chance to get it fully erected. I tried. I tried real hard to not let my heart rule my head. Even though I knew I was falling in love with him, I still tried to convince myself it was casual. The last thing I wanted was to get hurt. Sometime between my birthday and the end of May it got serious. Well, more serious than it had been. Still not anything that would have broken my heart beyond repair if it ended. And also, sometime in there, he sent me an e mail from his work. With his phone number and extension on it. I wrote back : “do you realize what you did?” he replied with something like : “and what do we do with that information now?” So I called him. After the first initial shock of hearing each other’s voices for the first time, after the initial shock that I had actually called him, I said: “this is what you do with that information. You call!” I had to hang up after about 5 minutes. Maybe 5 minutes after that I got in my car to go to work and called again. We talked the 25 minutes during my drive to work. I called again later that afternoon on a break. I think it was the following week he called and left a message on my phone with his other work number. I called immediately as soon as I got the message. We talked nearly every day after that. We e mailed so often that I have over 14 pages of e mails in the folder holding his e mails. Some of the letters are short, one or two lines of small talk. Some are much more important and meaningful. As he says, we had what amounts to an old fashioned courtship. When you’re 600 miles away from the person you love, you rely on words. Between the innumerous phone calls and e mails, we got to know each other and are still getting to know each other better than we’ve known anyone. I’ve talked on the phone to one of his best friends. We’ve exchanged e mails. When I talk to Bryan at his second job and his friend is there, we ‘hollar out’ at each other, using Bryan as the go-between. In fact, his friend wanted me to send him a letter explaining why I love Bryan. And you know what? That was one of the easiest letters I’ve ever written. It was a no-brainer/ no-thinker. The words just poured out. And his friend was satisfied. We decided to meet. One day, while chatting away on the phone, him at work, me at home, we set the date. I made the reservations. No turning back. His other best friend was sure I was going to lure him up here and either have thugs waiting to beat and rob him; steal his kidney; or somehow blackmail him. Yeah, he’s that great that his friends worry about him. So, we continued talking on the phone. And e mailing. He left his wife. And believe it or not, that was not easy on me, either. I never doubted he loved me or that I loved him. In fact, by then we knew we were in love. First time for both of us. So hearing the hurt and agony in his voice, knowing he’d hurt his wife, that the relationships with his kids was now completely different… it wasn’t easy here, either. No matter what the reasons, it’s never easy to end a relationship. We got over that first hurdle. We already knew there was no leaving for me. My family is too far away and it would be stupid for me to rent an apartment when we were making plans for our life together down there. So I continue to live the double life. I continue to put up with shit. I bide my time. We don’t sleep together. He gets a Sprint phone so we can talk for free. And more importantly, we can talk whenever we want. We’ve gone shopping together several times, lol…him down in Missouri, me up in Michigan. Hell, I even went to a party with him, for a short time. The day of our meeting is fast approaching. We’re both totally and completely excited. Sixteen days! Ten days! Can I call it six days yet? We were initially supposed to spend July 28-31st together in Plymouth. But we didn’t. |
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